Late-night neuroses

Last night as I was trying to go to sleep I thought a lot about friendships that are no longer strong, and how I miss the way they used to be.  I spent some time wondering if it was my fault or another person's fault, and pondering what happened and why.  I was on the verge of tears a couple of times but mostly exhausted and just wanting to go to sleep.  I had to figure out a way to let it go so that I could get the rest I needed.  Eventually I came to this conclusion:  sometimes shit just happens, and people drift apart, and maybe there is a fault or mutual faults, but either way, it doesn't mean that any of the people involved is a bad person or necessarily "screwed up."  It's sad, but it's part of the cycle of life.

Luckily I was tired enough to fall asleep after getting there (two bourbon and gingers helped for sure) but now that I'm awake, I admit I'm not sure I believe all that in my heart.  I know it's true rationally but it's hard to feel it and actually come to terms with these friendships that I miss so much.  It's also difficult for me to accept that I might have done something wrong and I can't apologize for it because the forum no longer exists wherein I could express my feelings.  This is a recurring theme in my life - something I've struggled with since I was a tween (a term we did not use when I was that age, but appropriate nonetheless, so I'll embrace it).  What follows is a downward spiral concerning my immaturity and lots of other self-loathing behaviors but I choose to nip it in the bud this morning.

My mom used to say that I would be lucky if I could reflect on my life as an older adult and say that I had one true friend.  (Interestingly, she has about six.)  I have at least two, and I thank them for their friendship regularly.  I often wonder what kind of larger emotional mess I would be without them.  It is the choices we make that define us, and today I choose to breathe deeply.  Today I choose to ruminate on the relationships that keep me grounded and whole, and to hold in high regard those that are no more but defined an important time in my life.

Besides, I'm not dead yet.